JESUS CHRIST: Shoot.

JESUS CHRIST: Jesus of Nazareth.

JESUS CHRIST: I've been called Lord, Messiah, King of Kings, and The Big Lebowski a few times. I hang out a little on this forum called Metal Coven, and they just call me J.C. there.

JESUS CHRIST: Former carpenter, healer, and all around nice guy.

JESUS CHRIST: I don't believe in any of that hippie voodoo shit.

JESUS CHRIST: Heaven, you silly woman.

JESUS CHRIST: Red and yellow, black and white.

JESUS CHRIST: I prefer walking, in fact...I can even do it on water.

JESUS CHRIST: Crack, heroin, L.S.D...you name it, I've probably done it.

JESUS CHRIST: If I had that "crucifixion" thing to do all over again, I'd probably do things a little bit differently this time around. For starters, I'd put up more of a struggle. At the very least, I'd try to kick those Roman Centurions in the ol' nutsack...Hahahaha! That would show 'em not to fuck with Jesus!

JESUS CHRIST: I really hate it when guys leave the toilet seat up. I'm what they call a "squat pisser"...and nuthin's worse than suffering the unexpected fate of an "ass baptism" at 3 o'clock in the morning.

JESUS CHRIST: I managed to get myself into quite a bit of trouble when I was in my late teens/early 20's. Lucky for me, my dad used his power and influence to make certain that all of my "youthful indiscretions" were expunged from my permanent record. Thankfully, None of my shenanigans ever made it into the sacred scrolls.

JESUS CHRIST: Being stripped naked and nailed to a fucking cross, shit...what an embarrassment. My saintly mother was out in the crowd, for God's sake. To make things even worse, it was colder than a motherfucker that day, and "Little JC" wasn't in the best of form...if you know what I mean. *sigh*

JESUS CHRIST: I can turn water into wine, do you really think I'd waste my liver on fizzy kiddy drinks...sheeeesh.

JESUS CHRIST: I've always been partial to sandals. Free them little toesies from their oppressive restraints!! Herring boxes without topses...kickin' it Clementine style, my niggaz!

JESUS CHRIST: I was a "fill in" bass guitarist for Iron Butterfly back in the late 60's. I only played a couple of gigs with them before I was forced to quit the tour due to a crippling case of "The Clap" that I contracted during my one night stand with Janis Joplin. Oddly enough, this was the very same reason that Iron Butterfly's original bassist had to quit the tour...Goddamned hoochie!

JESUS CHRIST: I must admit that back in the late 70's, I once had a "school girl crush" on Burt Reynolds. My lustful infatuation with him lasted only a couple of months. I don't think that makes me GAY...does it?

JESUS CHRIST: Probably that really really fat girl that used to sit beside me in second grade. I haven't laid eyes on her in decades, but I bet she's still really really fat.

JESUS CHRIST: I think I'd probably stay right here in Heaven. I highly recommend it to anyone in search of new stomping grounds. In all fairness, I must admit that all of that nonsense about "streets of gold" and "pearly gates" was simply an advertising gimmick we came up with to bring in the fence straddlers...some folks will believe just about any ol' thing you tell 'em. Suckers!

JESUS CHRIST: Well, if memory serves me correctly, that stuff that one of the three wise men brought to me when I was born, smelled pretty good.

JESUS CHRIST: People usually tell me that I look exactly like Jesus Christ...I get a real chuckle out of that.

JESUS CHRIST: Wine is the obvious choice, but I ain't too choosy...I'll purty much drink anything that don't kill me.

JESUS CHRIST: I'm a people person!

JESUS CHRIST: Yes, Drink more Ovaltine!