PLAN E

Kerry Ledbetter with:
Jani Lehtosaari - Singer/Bassist/Song Writer
July, 2004

Hailing from Finland, Plan E are all about doom and gloom - like a mix of Saint Vitus and Joy Division... with more bass. But descriptions are like assholes, they all stink. So the best thing to do is visit Plan E's excellent website (www.plan-e-tarium.com) and snag some samples of their songs to listen to a soundtrack to this review as you read it. Go ahead, open a new browser. I'll wait.

There. Isn't that better? On with the review.

In celebration of the impending release of their Best Kept Secret album on the excellent avant-garde label My Kingdom Music, I sat down with "Da Man" behind the misery for an interview and sarcasm fest. But be warned, all Finnish snarkiness has been left uncensored. The American snarkiness hasn't been messed with much either.
Kerry: Who the hell are you and what the fuck do you do?
Jani: My name is Jani Lehtosaari and I'm the messenger of love and happiness on this planet. I'm also the singer/bassist/song writer of Finnish band Plan E.
Kerry: Plan E has been around for several years now and has even released three albums, yet you've gone relatively unnoticed. Would you attribute that more to bad luck or the fact that you don't give good blow jobs to record executives?
Jani: Being unknown or unnoticed isn't really my concern. My job is to write music & not suck corporate dick.
Kerry: You should put that on business cards. Anyway, what's the writing process like for Plan E?
Jani: Earlier it's been a plain pain in the ass. Write, record, write, record, rewrite & record some more. Now the process is different with the new line-up (it's now a drummer & two other bassists plus myself doing bass & vocals). I write, we play, and I write some more. Then record.
Kerry: From what sources (musical or otherwise) do you draw inspiration for these dark moods?
Jani: I don't know about the inspiration. Must be this miserable life we go thru.
Kerry: Who's your favorite porn star and why?
Jani: That fat, hairy guy with a face of a rat. Can't remember his name, but he's my hero. He's got those silly moustaches too. I don't even watch his movies, but he's a living proof that you gotta do something you believe in & you got a gift for, no matter how damn ugly & stoopid looking you are.
Kerry: That should be on a Hallmark card to inspire others. So, I heard rumors that you talk to long dead evil Mexican ghosts to get inspiration and that you often command them to exact bloody vengeance against those who annoy you. Does this mean that you speak Spanish?
Jani: I speak some words of Spanish, but the mexican spirits don't. As you know the Spanish language was brought to the new continent less than 500 years ago, but my spiritual connections goes way further than a half millenium.
Kerry: Well, don't I look stupid for my lack of historical knowledge about my own continent. Luckily, I have Ron Jeremy to inspire me to continue. Honestly, you guys have one of the best websites I've ever encountered for a band. Everything is easy to find and it's incredibly informative while keeping some retro charm (not to mention that the name of the website is very clever - www.plan-e-tarium.com - that's so cool!). I heard rumor that your web designer is actually a crippled, retarded boy who just happens to be a savant with computers and that you beat and torture him until he gave you a cool site. Is this true? Does he do your taxes?
Jani: Our webmaster is crippled indeed, but retarded no. He's a rocket scientist in a body of a rocket launcher. We don't actually torture him but keep him locked in the dark basement of our rehearsal place without food until he comes up with some cool ideas for the web site. Our site is nice I must say and I'm very happy about it. We try to keep it as updated as a web site can be & keep adding new stuff for visitors constantly.
Kerry: Rocket launcher? What? Anyway, you include a video for "Shadow in the Dark" on Best Kept Secret. Having watched the video, it seems incredibly personal in nature. Is there a good, depressing story behind that? If you're not willing to share that story, feel free to make one up.
Jani: On that picture I destroy pretty much everything I had done earlier with the band. That was actually the last remaining stock of my old label Solardisk. Some few hundreds of unsold Plan E records that I had & wanted to get rid of. So I destroyed them all & got it filmed. Maybe you noticed that my beard kept growing all the time on the video. The whole thing was actually filmed in two days & I kept cutting by beard & moustaches and we played the whole thing backwards. In a way it's very personal piece of work. In a way it's the end of the old era & beginning of the new.
Kerry: That's quite deep. And thanks for clearing up that backwards beard thing. I know I'll sleep better tonight knowing the truth. Now let's get to the really important stuff: Boxers or briefs?
Jani: I'm a boxer man.
Kerry "Cathedron" Ledbetter, Metal Coven staff member and self proclaimed "rock star journalist/sexgod" was beaten to death before completing this interview. Witnesses at the scene report that the victim was interviewing a musician (whose name has yet to be disclosed). Said musician reportedly left in a mood described by onlookers as "annoyed". Shortly thereafter, the victim began crying like a little girl and screaming for mercy before apparently being pummeled to death by invisible assailants. The apathetic onlookers then reported hearing tribal chanting in a foreign language that was described as "definately not Spanish". The beat-down is still under investigation. Mr. Ledbetter is preceeded in death by no one who cared to be identified and a rather disturbingly large pornography collection of questionable legality.