Reviewed - 08/20/04

Fiinky Pie
[Brennus Music]

This is just so bad. So very, very bad. I'm fucking pissed with Brennus music for making me listen to this. You see, I have a personal "code" that I will always listen to something at least three times before I review it. That means I had to suffer through the worst album of all time not once, but three fucking times. Had I not been restricted by my personal reviewing code, I would have done what any normal person would have done and turned this off mid-way through the first song. My god, this is some awful, awful shit. But it's part of my job as a reviewer to listen to shit like this so you don't have to.

Where to begin…

First, this Raymz Fiink guy needs to realize that he is not a guitar god nor is he a vocal god. Naming your band after yourself and plastering your own picture all over the packaging should be reserved for guitar gods or power metal vocalists doing solo albums. Just because you do both (weakly) doesn't mean you get to be all full of yourself. Well, that's not completely true. To be honest, the members of KISS get more photo space than he does… on his own CD. He's wearing a KISS Demon shirt in every pic and has Gene's Demon face worked into the "artwork" inside the booklet. What the fuck's up with that? Get your own identity, you pathetic fuck!

Worst of all, these songs suck ass. No hooks, no good melodies, no heaviness, laughable lyrics, no inspiration. I was listening to this the first time and got to the last song and I was like, "Whoa… this song is so much better than the others… oh, right… it's a KISS cover." As weak as I think KISS' songwriting is, even at their weakest, they just blow this CD clean out of the water. Seriously, in the booklet Fiinky Pie dedicates two songs to KISS and AC/DC. If I were in either of those bands, I would kill this Fiink character. Kill him outright.

And seriously Mr. Fiink, what the fuck's up with the "Fiinky Pie" song? It's about a girl, right? Isn't Fiinky Pie YOUR nickname? Why are you calling HER Fiinky Pie? That's just weird. The lyrics are bad enough as it is, why must you confuse me?

You see, this is all an attempt at recreating the "party rock" feel of KISS, AC/DC, and loads of other bands who didn't take themselves seriously. But here's the thing: all those bands took themselves VERY seriously. They worked their fucking tales off. Sure, they kept the music simple and they had a lot of fun on stage, but they weren't lazy. Fiinky Pie is just a lazy CD when it comes to songwriting. Those other bands wrote catchy songs and kept them simple. Fiinky Pie just keeps it simple.

I could go on and on, but this CD has stolen too much of my life as it is. Suffice it to say, this isn't even worth the camp value. I wouldn't even take it for free. Seriously, I have friends at the local music store who would give a decent amount of credit for any CD I bring in, but I'm actually going to destroy it instead. That's right. I couldn't live with myself knowing that someone else might somehow listen to this. I'm doing my part to insure that this band goes away and doesn't hurt anyone else.

AVOID AT ALL COSTS!!!